GROWING PAINS

I want to share with you one of the many aspects of my life that has helped shape who I am as a person today. It is merely a glimpse of my growth through childhood and adolescence, and now early adulthood. 

When I began fourth grade, the name calling began and I became what seemed to be an easy target for a core group of people. It progressed into sixth grade, which is when my anxiety disorder developed. I would be called weird, disgusting, stuck up, fat or annoying - I would be purposely left out and if I happened to be in a group, I would be physically pushed back and out of the way. I missed 2 months of school because I would panic to the point of vomiting. Looking back, I vividly remember the first morning I attempted to return to school and I had another panic attack on school grounds so I had to go to the bathroom. I vomited, again, and three girls walked in and began a rumour that I was pregnant with morning sickness. I was labelled a slut, I was only 11 years old. This stuck until I started high school.

High school was a whole new ball game. It was when everyone starting getting their first mobile phone and Facebook's popularity was increasing. I attempted to navigate my way through a new school as well as adjust to new classes and new teachers and of course, tried to make new friends. I managed to make a hand full of friends, so I thought, and the beginning of seventh grade was ok...until I signed up for Facebook. 

I started to date boys and it was all very innocent and nothing serious at all. This quickly circulated the year group and once again the name calling began, and followed me when I went home because everyone had access to social media. I received messages every single night and morning calling me a slut and that I was ugly, that I should end my own life. I was only 12 at this time and I had no idea why this particular group felt the need to target me so relentlessly. Admittedly, I did retaliate every now and then which anyone would after being essentially tortured at school and online. 
I broke my wrist this year and was told that I had to wear the cast for 6 weeks. When I had it at school for the first time people were asking if they could sign it. One person thought it was a great idea to write 'hope it hurts' and 'your ugly' on it, I had to cross it off myself. I was also pushed down the stairs one day so hard that my full body weight fell onto my broken wrist, the pain was indescribable. Because of this I had to wear the cast for an extra 2 weeks - I still have a dent in my wrist where it didn't heal properly. 
Half way through the school year, on a Thursday, I walked into the girls bathroom at recess and there was graffiti on every single wall and cubicle door. The graffiti was targeting one person in particular and had my initials signed all over. I didn't know how to react and I was confused to say the least because I hadn't written it. I walked out of the bathroom and straight to my group of 'friends'. They immediately asked me 'why did you do it? that's so nasty' and proceeded to gather their things and walk away. I was completely alone. I went to the head teacher and she took all my school books to compare hand writing to the one in the bathroom. 
Later that day, I was called to the teacher's office where she told me that my hand writing matched. My parents were called in and we had a meeting with the principal. I was crying so much that I nearly made myself sick. The principal threatened to call the police and to suspend me. What makes matters worse is that the person who actually wrote the graffiti send me a Facebook message and boasted about how she got away with it and how she would make sure that everyone remained turned against me. 

This generated a flood of daily messages telling me how I had no friends, that everyone hated me and that I shouldn't bother living anymore because no body wanted me here. 

I soon moved schools. I repeated seventh grade and started all over again. But once again, I became an easy target. I was targeted because I was quiet and quite insecure within myself. Naturally, I didn't get along with a few people just like anyone. I became friends with someone who turned out to be passive and deceitful, and left me alone when I was being pinned up against the wall for something I had nothing to with. Yes, literally cornered up against a wall being yelled at by someone 2 years older than me. This became a springboard for online bullying and I would be constantly tagged in Facebook posts and would receive messages that I will not repeat on here. Of course, I don't deny that I retaliated. This was the only way I tried to defend myself because no one else was. Personally, I believe there is a significant difference between defending yourself and making someone feel as though they are worthless. I was almost 14 at this point. 

I began eight grade and took it as a chance to try and clear my mind and not let people get to me. I quickly bonded with some more people and actually gained a best friend who would soon be in my life for several years. The new school year was going along fine until I became a target again. I started to be bullied for the way I wore my hair, the way I walked, the way I dressed, the way I talked, for being quiet yet opinionated. I received threatening messages and I began to have panic attacks before walking into school. The core group of girls would stand in front of me and taunt me as I walked to where homeroom was. Around this time, I was about to endure the most important turning point of my whole life. My parents separated and I started to feel the weight of the situation. The school found out and my teachers knew. Before I knew it, everyone around me knew. My mental health was a complete shambles, I began antidepressants for the first time and I wasn't sleeping or eating properly. But guess what? The bullying never stopped. I received messages that said I was the reason for my parents splitting up, no one wanted me at school, and that I would never have any friends. I didn't go back to school for the final 5 weeks of that year because I couldn't be in that kind of environment. I deactivated Facebook and gave up my phone. 

I started the new school year once again. My mental health was the best it had been in a while and I began to channel my anxious energy into sport. I joined a touch football team and made even more friends who were actually genuine, and made me laugh all the time. I was extremely happy and content at this point. I was off social media still and only just had my phone back for texting and calling. I thought the bullying had finally stopped but I was completely wrong. I started to receive prank calls most afternoons and nights, and the person on the other end would tell me to go die or that they would bash my head in if they ever saw me. At school, people would tell me what rumours had been spread about me or something that I apparently did. I had no one standing up for me and it became exhausting trying to justify myself to these people who clearly got pleasure out of making me feel so small. This was an ongoing thing for a a couple of months. I was teased for being quiet and the way I wore my hair to the point where I never spoke and only wore my hair straight for the rest of the year. 

I began tenth grade and this was the most emotional year I had in terms of others putting me down. The person who had been the epicentre of all this had reported ME for bullying HER. I was forced to come into a classroom and sit among the group of girls who had belittled me for years, and I had to apologise to THEM. The teacher told me I was the reason why this person had to change schools and the reason why she had cut herself. This drove me to a certain breaking point, I cried constantly for 2 weeks and lost an extreme amount of weight because I couldn't bring myself to eat. The person left the school, and still continued to bully me online with constant messages reminding me how worthless I was. 
I changed schools again, and once again I was targeted. I was too serious, ugly, fat, quiet, weird, disgusting, a slut, a bitch, had no friends, didn't deserve to be here. I put up with this for a while and when the beginning of twelfth grade came around, I decided that I couldn't handle being in such a degrading environment. I literally got up and walked out the school gates. I haven't had any drama since. 

I was 18 when I walked out of school. I am now 21 and my daily life is continuously impacted by the words and actions of my childhood and adolescence. The words are always circling in my mind and I still can't wear or do certain things for the fear of being judged or teased for it. 
As I sit here writing this, I look back at these moments of my life as part of the driving force behind my successes thus far. I have only mentioned half of what happened because some of it is too painful to write. However, I truly believe that I wouldn't be who I am without this all happening, among other things.

MY ADVICE TO YOU... 

If you are currently being bullied you will have been told to ignore it and it will eventually go away. Unfortunately, this doesn't always work and can make you feel even worse. 
My advice to you is to observe it all happening, let the emotions come, experience the emotions, take a step back and recite everything you have achieved in your life so far and what you aim to achieve in the future. If there's one thing I am certain about, it is that no one can ever take away your ambitions and your dreams whatever they may be. These people will always try to bring you down and try to convince you that you aren't worth anything. This is is the furthest from the truth. There is a drive within you that no one can ever take away from you. You are in control of your life and you have the decision to make it the best it can be. 
It is impossible to ignore bullies because they are everywhere you go. Yes you will feel like shit and yes you will want to give into to what they are saying. But, these moments do pass and what you have within you is something that no one can ever take away from you. Keep bettering yourself, keep working hard, keep striving for ultimate success. The bullies will become idle and will have no other option but to settle. Meanwhile, you are the one who has made the most of the life you have been given. 


If you do feel as though your mental health is being seriously effected, and you find yourself in a moment of crisis you can call Lifeline on 13 11 14.